Gen 2 - Chapter 21: Understanding How It Should Have Been.

Consciousness is like sand, the harder you try and hold on to it, the more it seems to slip between your fingers. You hear snatches of conversations, but are unable to determine whether they are dreams or reality. Medical jargon and electronic beeps fill your mind, the quest for the truth can become maddening. Flashes of preceding events mix with memories long passed. Movements, no matter how minor, send spasms of pain arching through your nervous system. Acknowledgement is the first step on the road to recovery, however if the mind is unable to comprehend then how can the mind acknowledge? Can the healing process be completed laying in a hospital bed?

".....Caught over by Eugi's......"

Voices, are they talking to me? My mind is a prison, a prison devoid of life. I scream and no one hears me. I scream and no one comes. Every direction is a wall, there are no doors, no windows, no lights, and no hope. But, if they can't hear me........how can I hear them?

".....bag of pills, flick knife...."

Why won't they leave me alone? I came here to escape. If I brought myself here, how did I get in, there is no door? Did I bring myself here? Or did I....how did I...?

".....Was she mixed up in?....."

Who is she? Who are the voices? Why am I here? The walls never end, the voices never stop. I reach out to touch the wall, as my hand nears I feel heat. My fingers start to tingle. The heat turns to pain, blinding white hot pain. Every fibre in my being is screaming, and I pull my hand away from the wall.

".....Pimps and people traffickers....."

As I withdrew my hand I was encapsulated in a cold, deafening silence. I needed to hear the voices, to feel the tug of humanity. I had to fight the pain. This time I didn't reach out my hand, I threw myself against the wall, and I screamed. I wanted to stop, I needed to stop. The pain threatened to overwhelm me, threatened to rip my soul to pieces. I screamed, and they heard me.

The doors of the hospital room opened and footsteps ran. My vision, cloudy at first, came to me. I saw my family and I felt safe. I saw concerned, anxious faces, and I saw tears. Doctors hurried in, checking machines and clipboards. I tried to move, but my body was dead to my wishes. I assumed high volumes of sedatives and tranquilisers, which meant I was pretty badly hurt.

After the doctors had left Granddad excused himself to phone the rest of the family to tell them of my awakening. I turned red as Mum explained in a broken voice what she knew about that night. I began to build an explanation in my mind, but she told me she didn't need to hear it. Dad fetched me a glass of water and poured a little into my mouth. It is the first time I have seen them happy to see me for what seemed like forever.

In the weeks that followed I began to change, firstly little things, like my hairstyle. As my confidence grew, so did my accomplishments. I got myself a part-time job at Sharma's Day Spa, which paid for a whole new wardrobe. However, what I am most proud of is my growing parental skills. My epiphany of responsibilities is starting to shape who I am becoming. I have left behind the tart and I am becoming a woman. My life is regular, bed before eleven, awake at seven, three square meals a day. My alcohol intake is now an occasional glass of wine at dinner with the family. I go to the gym three times a week, my life is regular, my life is dull. I feel contented, but not complete. I have put my longing for Alex out of my mind, I am desperate for Jasper to react to me in the same way he does to Mum. Even though she has now taken a backseat and only helps when I ask, whenever he cries only her arms can soothe him. I know it is my fault and for that I am full of regret.

I know that Jasper is the most important thing in my life, I just wish he would realise it. I can't help but feel envious of Mum, and yet I know that without her, I wouldn't be able to hold my baby in my arms, and I will forever be grateful.

As a thank-you to Mum and Dad, using some of my salary, I have booked them a weeks holiday in Champs Le Sims. This is for two reasons, the first is selfish. Jasper needs to bond with me, and I think without Mum in the house he might stand a better chance, I have also booked that same week off work, so I can watch the twins and do lots of Mummy and baby activities with Jasper. The second is more altruistic, I want to thank them for everything, otherwise I wouldn't have had a life to have a second chance at.

As I watched Mum and Dad's taxi vanish down the road I couldn't help but feel apprehensive, would I be able to be the Mum I should have been from the start? I felt alive, happy, and healthy. But I knew that until Jasper looked at me like I was the only person in the world and call me Mummy, that I would never feel whole. Then I heard him cry.....

Stay tuned for chapter 22 :D