Gen 2 - Chapter 18: How Should I Feel?

I struggled to keep calm as my heart was screaming at me to turn towards his voice, my mind unwilling to co-operate, as always, was telling me to run. But where!?

Before I could even comprehend what was happening he came strolling past, I'm not sure what was harder, having him so close that I could smell his intoxicating scent, or seeing him with another girl on his arm, where I should be.

My heart almost stopped beating when he turned to whisper something in her ear and looked straight at me. The look of shock in his eyes was instantly recognisable, so I knew he had seen me, but that still didn't stop him from pretending he hadn't. I don't know why but I expected something, a smile, a nod, a reaction.

As I watched him walk out of the park I could feel the pieces of my heart that had begun to mend shatter all over again. I sunk to my knees, supporting my whale like body on one of the willow trees as I did, and just let the tears fall, although I knew once they started I would be unable to stop them.

The twins were oblivious to what was happening, their mind too focused on play. I really didn't want them to see me like this. Once I had managed to calm myself down enough, and wiped the river of tears from my face, I called out to them. As they came running over I felt a cramping sensation creep it's way from my back to my belly. My breath caught in my throat at the pain that followed, this was not a good sign. As much as I wanted this thing out of me I knew it was still too early for it to be born.

I gently eased myself on the bench in-between contractions, and asked Melody to call Mum and tell her that I needed to go to the hospital, because the baby was coming. Melody and Mason joined me on the bench and comfortingly held a hand each. As the pain increased with every contraction, I tried not to squeeze their hands too tight, but got a few "Oww, too tight, too tights" from them.

Lightning coursed through my body, every second was an eternity. I was trapped, there was no retreat, no escape, no surrender, and no end. People started to look, I saw intrigue and shock. I saw the disbelief that a stupid little girl was about to give birth in the park, and I hated them all the more. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. The bench was really uncomfortable and I couldn't have felt more helpless.

Mum had made me watch some stupid birthing videos and attend pre-natal classes, they had all described pain, and yet what I was feeling was beyond pain. I expected to burst open at any moment like an extra in a horror movie. Visions of blood, gore, and viscera flooded my mind. I heard talking, but it was as insignificant to me as a fly to King Kong.

I was brought back from my nightmarish daydream by a feeling of wetness in-between my legs. I felt it seep through the material of my trousers as my face flushed with embarrassment. Tears streamed down my face as the situation became too much. I had to get away. I had to run, but here I was suffocating under the act of my own stupidity. Regrets bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. If only I had made him wear protection, if only I had been on the pill, if only I had not been such a child.

The claustrophobia of the wall of stares was maddening, they seemed as if stony sentinels oblivious to my screams and protestations. I began to feel faint.

I heard brakes screech and I knew I was saved. I was going to be taken from those faces, taken far away to be rid of this abomination. Pain scythed through me again as my hands desperately reached out for support. I saw Mum's lips move but heard no words, I saw her point and gesture at the car. Some faces blinked, others reacted. Firmly but gently I was walked to the car and eased into the passenger seat.

Trees flashed past, pain flashed past, memory's flashed past. It was over in an instant, and yet lasted a lifetime. I felt full of dread and relief. Doctors were waiting outside the hospital, I was taken to a side room where Mum and the twins helped me change into a hospital gown. My trousers stuck to my legs and I was worse than useless.

My lungs were raw, I ached from head to toe, completely and consumingly, but it was over. This mewling wretched creature wrapped in a soft blue towel was placed in my arms, I saw tears in Mums eyes, she looked happy.

I looked into it's eyes, into my future, into the soul of this helpless child, which was now totally dependant on me.........................and I felt nothing.

Stay tuned for chapter 19 :)