Gen 3 - Chapter Five: Fear Cuts Deeper Than Swords.

When fear grips you how do you react? Darwinian impulses sway between fight and flight, but how can you fight fear? How can you fight something so intangible and all-consuming that it stops even your most basic reactions? When your instincts are frozen, and you are paralyzed with fear, is any action wrong? Or is it human nature to need to make a decision, even if that decision, with hindsight is incorrect? However with hindsight can you be truly happy with a decision made without judgement? By throwing a stone into the pond of uncertainty you have no idea how far those ripples will travel, and who those ripples will affect. Why does it always seem as though the toughest decisions, the ones which are most life affirming, and which have the most impact on others are made so rashly. Why don't we give ourselves more time to think? Why don't we stop and think?

My hands were shaking, I pushed the numbers without hesitating, not wanting to fully process the reality of the situation. My voice cracked with emotion as I heard the receptionist answer the phone. The tone of her voice was too cheerful for this kind of conversation, and I felt the tears start to run.

"Hello, I'd like to make an appointment please."

Auto-pilot kicked in as I scribbled down a date and time. I have no idea whether I said good-bye, or she said good-bye, or if I hung up on her, I just sat there numbly. The office phone rang and it snapped me out of my reverie, I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted it to all go away, but I picked up the phone, put on my best professional voice and carried on regardless. I sent an email to my Boss, Mr Carter, saying I would be taking Friday afternoon off as I had a Doctors appointment, apologising for the short notice. I also sent Kitty a text telling her about my appointment, and asking her if she could babysit Jasper until Saturday morning. Then I didn't have to worry about where he was going to be while I was at the Doctors. As I tried to keep my emotions in check and retain my composure I began to feel more and more distant, I couldn't wait for it to be over.

My mobile started to vibrate on my desk, Trent's picture appeared on the screen, and I pushed silent. I just couldn't, I would not be distracted. I sent him a message saying that I felt sick and would talk to him tomorrow. He replied saying that he had had fantastic news, at the gig they played last night there had been a talent scout from the LOUD Music Channel, Punk Idol, who was signing last minute acts for this weekends live show. So it meant that he wouldn't be back this weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief, sent back a generic good luck with kisses message and tried to put him out of my head. The last thing I needed was to think about Trent too much.

My Boss agreed to the time off, and Kitty was more than happy to take Jasper for a while, so keen infact that she came and collected him Thursday night, so she didn't have to mess about coming to get him early in the morning. My little man whinged and put on his sad pouty face, but I gave him ten simoleons and told him that if he was good Auntie Kitty might take him sweetie shopping. The pout turned into a frown as he tried to work out whether I was being serious, and then apparently decided that my offer was genuine, clutched the note very tightly and beamed massively.

I sat at my desk Friday morning watching the clock, everywhere around me time was ticking, on the wall, on my desk, on my computer screen, on my wrist, everywhere, seconds being lost. As the day laboured on the speed of passing time did not improve, in fact I managed to work out that my watch was fourteen seconds faster than my desk clock, which was eight seconds faster than my computer, which actually seemed to be on time with the wall clock. At eleven fifty five, by my watch I turned on my out of office message, and ran.

I just could not sit any longer, sitting was making me think, this is not a situation where I want time to think. I would never have THAT happen to me again! I was in control of my life. I tried to work myself into a frenzy of righteous action, I got back to my apartment, showered and changed. Picked up my bag, which I had prepared and left for my appointment.

The waiting room chairs were uncomfortable, the wall clock was horrendously loud. I knew it was a mixture of hunger and butterflies which were making my stomach do somersaults, but it almost felt like a type of communication.

"Miss Stone...the Doctor will see you now. Did you bring your medical information?"

"Yes, I have it here." I mumbled.

"OK, I will just take that and get some photocopies while you are with the Doctor. If you will just come with me to the reception desk, there is a form you need to sign."

At the desk she continued;

"I am required by law to read aloud this statement. After you have listened, I then need you to sign next to theses two crosses to show that you understand the situation you are in, and consent to the procedure"

She paused to clear her throat;

"I hereby sign to confirm that I Kayleigh Stone have able mental capacity to understand my decision, and that in completion of this procedure, which will comply with the National Health Organisation Legislation 1984 act 17. I will need to visit my Doctor within seven days for a check-up. I am signing to confirm that I have read the documentation provided by the staff of this facility, with regards to the procedure itself, and the after affects upon my body. I hereby confirm that this is not a decision I have taken lightly, but one in which I have given time and consideration, and have discussed with all appropriate parties. I hereby confirm that I am terminating an unborn child, and that this process cannot be reversed."

I sighed, signed, and went through the doors that she pointed at.

Stay tuned for chapter six :D